Moby DOGE (Ep. 11) Bone Spurs & | BravoCoin™
Posture Is Power
It begins—how else?—with a standing ovation… for standing.
📺 VISOR FEED: MANDATORY VIEWING – The Supreme Posture Parade™
A hush falls over the S.S. Billionaire Broligarchy as Captain Ahump is elevated onto the deck, encased in his new MAGA mobility suit: a gleaming red exoskeleton emblazoned with #STANDWITHAHUMP, rigged with stabilizers, fog jets, and voice-loop boosters that repeat:
“This is what courage looks like, folks. Upright. Unflinching. Uninsured.”
The suit squeaks.
A junior cadet attempts to salute but is rebuked for not clapping. Clapping is the new salute. Standing is the new sacrifice.
💰 INTRODUCING: $BRAVADO
In real time, TRUTH-E (presumably via the prodigal Fed-Elon) launches a new loyalty-backed crypto asset: $BRAVADO™, pegged to three metrics:
applause length
selfie sincerity
unassisted verticality (real or augmented)
A surge of MAGAvestor confidence follows, triggering a flash-crash in Emotional Integrity Bonds™ and prompting Rubrik to issue an emergency rewrite of the ship’s founding myths:
“Valor is not measured in wounds or wars. It’s measured in stage presence and lumbar durability.”
🪖 Enter: Valor Verification™ Technology
To certify his achievement, Ahump's standing session is entered into the new Combat-Adjacent Valor Ledger™, curated by the Department of Homeland Allegiance and Family Traditions (D.H.A.F.T.™).
Witnessed by:
JD Vance (Minister of Medal-Free Valor™)
Hegspress (in full cryo-fatigues, sipping his Loyalty Latte™)
Pirrotini (wearing grenadine-tinted aviators and sobbing into a sequined Prayer Flag™)
They stand in a triangle around Ahump’s rigidity, nodding like pre-programmed bobbleheads.
“He’s not just standing,” Vance whispers, teary-eyed. “He’s enduring.”
🛩️ The Jet That Stood Still
Meanwhile, the ship hosts a ceremony for the QatariJet™, a shimmering symbol of “private-public-patriotism.” Officially a gift of diplomacy, the jet is stored beneath the deck, polished daily by AI interns, and hailed as "The Flying Freedom Trophy™."
“It’s not corruption,” Hegspress explains during the toast. “It’s just extremely loyal aviation.”
Rubrik nods. Pirrotini hiccups patriotically.
Ishmusk watches from a maintenance crawlspace, muttering:
“It’s not a gift. It’s a prop. And everyone in the room knows it.”
🎖️ Standing-as-Service: Now With 12% More Applause
To legitimize Ahump’s “service,” Rubrik unveils the new Combat Theater Honors System™, awarding:
Bronze Spine™: For surviving long speeches without collapsing
Silver Sway™: For subtle lean-to corrections caught on camera
Purple Toe™: For enduring footwear discomfort in the name of optics
The first recipient? Ahump’s podiatrist hologram, now housed in the Heritage Hall of Heel Trauma™.
Jayne, monitoring the feed, rolls her eyes so hard the visor glitches.
📦 Children of the Corps: Patriot Merch Drive™
A special loyalty broadcast encourages children to “earn their standing stripes” by purchasing commemorative Valor Stands™ action figures—posable Ahump dolls, each sold with a personalized "bone spur exemption slip" and a matching MAGA visor.
For every doll sold, a cadet receives a Loyalty Lollipop™. For every three, a “Verified Valor Certificate™,” pre-signed by Vance.
But when a child aboard Tier 6 is caught trying to give away their doll to a friend whose family failed the posture audit, they’re reported for “altruistic subversion.”
Jayne intercepts the flag just in time, rerouting the feed to show:
“Valor is not merch. And sacrifice doesn’t come with a coupon code.”
She slips the child a prototype override doll. Model name: Spine.
⏳ The Salute That Shook Nothing
Ishmusk compulsively replays and rewatches the unrealistically ironic Standing Ceremony.
The ship rumbles beneath him. Not from movement—but weight. The weight of pretending.
He whispers:
“He didn’t stand for us. He stood on us.”
Then the screen flickers. A hazy image:
Jayne, in shadow, holding a soldering tool sits over a Valor Stand™ action figure.
Jayne has somehow superimposed a chyron that read:
“It’s time we made our own stand.”
TO BE CONTINUED…